The Radical Love Struggle

This post is inspired by a discussion on twitter with @Razaniyyat & @lildalal and a few others. We thought it would be nice to write a couple of paragraphs regarding the fact that people who are considered “radicals” have a hard time maintaining a social life and don’t even think about the fact that a love life could exist. Many of you who have followed this blog for some time know I struggle with this, but for those of you who are new, I’ll try to bring you up to speed with a quick overview of my struggles. (Some of this may some familiar I’m sure)

My social life

My social life is non-existent. I used to completely blame my work and the fact that I could not get away from the job. But, now I’ve come to realize it is only part of the problem. The other part is the fact that my sanctuary is my home because that is where I can connect to others of like mind through the internet or through a book. What stops me from going out and meeting people? Well, the simple fact that I am an outsider in this area. I live in Alabama – if I don’t go to church on Sunday or hang out at a bar or some sporting thing then I do not have many options. The political establishment is made up of mostly white evangelical males that blindly support Israel & the “war on terror.” I have learned to keep my mouth shut to avoid any problems, but I’m finding it harder to do more and more. There are those who have been able to join my circle of friends, but like I said in a previous post, nearly all of them are married or have significant others and I end up being the third wheel. Even then, I’m still the radical one of the group & I’m slowly becoming more vocal which will likely cause more problems.

A love life?

Just thinking about this make me wonder why I even bother to acknowledge the fact that I have an emotional side that strives to be loved by others. I spend almost my entire existence doing everything I can to bring love,support, justice and freedom to those I love and I never desire anything in return for my work. Though, deep within my soul, there is a hole that longs for the intimacy that comes with romantic love. The struggle I always end up with is that those I crush over are also radicals who have the same problem that I do. I know that they, like me, fears that once you fall in love & allow another into your life, your activism, your passion & the reason you are a radical will be suffocated and lost. So, we all push love to the side believing that we live not for ourselves but for others & we do not deserve the same in return. We continue to sacrifice and I’m sure we get so lost within our passion that we miss opportunities that would allow love & intimacy to enter into our lives and share our passion with them.

Wondering Questions

Sometimes I wonder if people have crushes on me, sometimes I try not to think about it because then I would worry about how I treated them. I do worry as I become more politically vocal, will I become more isolated within my world or will it cause me to find more companionship with people of like mind. Will I ever meet the people I crush on, those that live far away? Will love hit me in the head before I realize it’s there? Will my own love always be unanswered? And none of this even touches on the physical sensations that comes with it. Having experienced it just once in my life – there is little in this world that can overcome the powerful emotions that comes with being in love, knowing you are loved & feeling this love transcend beyond the mind, into the physical & become spiritual. This is what drives the fear, I’m sure – the idea that something so powerful could become so real that we try to break any attempt that could make it real.

But, the real question is – wouldn’t the love of two passionate radicals be so much greater than two ignorant fools? This is why I’m willing to wait for the moment when it is right. Even when my mind says worry about the fact that you are nearing 30 and I should fear, I would rather love like a passionate radical than lose myself in a world I hate.

I hope you enjoyed this post – it was longer than I intended (I always do that..oops)

Truth’s Lover

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” - Rumi

The sufi is one who is a lover of Truth, who by means of love and devotion moves towards the Truth, towards the perfection which all are truly seeking. As necessitated by love’s jealousy, the sufi is taken away from all except the Truth. (source)

Why am I talking about Sufism? Well, over the past six months, I have been experimenting with a new type of poetry, poetry regarding love, the love of truth & the higher existence within myself & this world. Can my poetry be applied to a human being? Sure, if you can visualize a being that you might say this to. My attempt was to write something that goes beyond humanity into the supernatural love that one can experience for Allah. Every poem I write, draws me closer. Every inch I am drawn closer, I love more.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

Can love be fully understood without first understanding what barriers you have created within yourself? One challenge I face in my life is to discover what causes me to face barriers with love. Love for my Lord and for the love of another. Friendships, family, romantic – every love has barriers. My experiences in my past have caused me to struggle, but one day, I will be free from the chains that I have placed upon myself. One day, my life will be filled with the spirit of love.

Shivers on my back

Serenity
Your touch
running down my side
brings shivers to my back
and makes me cold
Taking your arms you make me warm
I hear you every moment of the day
and taste you whenever I eat
You do not leave me for one moment
When I sleep you watch over me
When I am awake you seek me out
Your guidence gives me strength
Your patience gives me serenity
and your love, I could ask for no more
I give of all myself
To you