I Am Me: My Past & My Dating Life

Posted: July 28th, 2009 | Author: Moonstar Silverwolf | Filed under: Personal | Tags: , , , , , , , | View Comments

Over the course of this blog, I have revealed much about my past relationship, but there has been one major detail that I have left out and I wanted to make sure when I revealed it that I was not in a state of emotion that it would either get too emotional or too angry. As with all of this, I will remain gender neutral. I do this partly because I believe this could happen to anyone, especially down here in Alabama.

Now, I’m going to assume, you as the reader have already read previous posts. However, if you have not and you need to catch up in the story, here are some of the posts you should read (obviously, to fully understand me, you should read them all):

I was a very shy individual growing up, very smart though and so I did not date until I met my ex. We met in the winter of my senior year during a play called “Annie” we were both actors for the show. After becoming friends, it became clear that we liked each other and so we made plans to go to Prom together. It was at senior prom that I would experience my first kiss, and we started dating. We would date for two years before we got engaged and then we planned our wedding in the future, long in the future so we could both finish our college degrees. By the time our wedding came, we had been dating for 6 years. I had already gone to graduate school and was just about to enter my final year. We got married, had our honeymoon and moved into my place as a temporary place to live until I was able to finish my degree and then we planned to move wherever a job was landed. During this time, my ex got a job working at a Target Distribution Center that was newly built, it was a good job with benefits. But, the shock would hit just six months into our marriage. And for this, I would like to bring in a video.

This is a video from the pilot episode of the TV show Friends. Start watching at 2:14 and ends at 4:02. This is Ross’ first appearance in the show:

Now, if any of you know this show, you know that in the second episode we learn that Ross’ ex-wife is pregnant. Luckily, we did not have any kids. But yes. My ex revealed that they were attracted to the same sex gender. But, my ex did not just decide to leave. No, we had some discussions, talked about it and worked on why this was happening. Unfortunately, it seemed I was doing more of the work and the next 4 months were hell for me as I faced the fact that not only did I want to help my love as they worked through this confusion, I wanted to be understanding & supportive. As a supporter of gay rights, I know that often the pressure to marry can hide repressed feelings of sexuality that come out only afterwards & often years later. It took me 4 months to get my ex to seek counseling to help and this was only after the “other lover” also suggested it. (I’ll get to the other in a bit) Over the course of these months, I continue to push the idea that the only way to understand what is going on is to sever ties with the other, even if just temporarily and work with your spouse & a counselor to resolve the emotions within your head & heart because by maintaining the bond, you will only confuse yourself & hurt both of your loves in the process. Unfortunately, my ex decided to do just that.

Now, during this time, I was still in the middle of finishing my degree, including working on my final thesis project, defending it, teaching classes & taking classes. I also had a severe mouth pain problem as my wisdom teeth had decided to take out their revenge on me at this very moment. Finally, everything started working to my favor, my show had closed, my defense was planned & I was already ready for it and I had scheduled myself a wisdom tooth extraction. And my ex started to see a counselor.

However, something happened. After having my defense, school was basically done for me and the stress level had gone down; having my wisdom teeth taken out required me to stay home for a few days to recover and I sat at home for 3 days just thinking…. By the third day, I was in severe depression, the past 4 months had finally hit me and I could not do it anymore. By the 5th day, I was on the phone to a counselor begging for help and by the 7th I was on anti-depressants. After counseling and anti-depressants for 2 weeks, I finally was level enough to have a serious discussion and I asked my ex to stop playing with me and work on the marriage or leave. I never wanted to say that, but I couldn’t handle anymore, I knew if I let it continue my recovery from the depression would never happen and I feared for my own survival.

My Ex ended up going and living with the “other lover” and their spouse. Yes, the other was married as well. It was a very strange relationship. This other lover was 34 years old, bi-polar and very manipulative. Their marriage was already over due to this as their divorce was finalized a few months later. I have letters from this person that amaze me in just how much this person did to enact suffering on the situation of all of us, truly amazing.

But that relationship didn’t last and my ex must have at some point realized they weren’t gay but merely attracted to the opposite sex. I don’t know what all went on to show this or change this and frankly I do not want to know. But after only about 2 months of their relationship my ex ended up in the arms of someone of the opposite sex who also went to our high school and I have heard they are now engaged to be married sometime next year.

Meanwhile, I moved back into my parents home to wait until I would move to my new job. The contract had been signed just before I went into the tailspin following my wisdom teeth removal. I was moving from Iowa to Alabama for a faculty position. Between the support of my parents, working out and moving, I was surviving and now over 2 years later I stronger than ever.

Some have asked why I do not date or have not dated since. And the short answer is because I don’t know if I could. I attempted once and that failed miserably. I had flirtations with a few others and even kissed one, but they were not meant to be.

So, here I am, 28 years old. I’ve been married once & divorced. I have no kids, I’ve kissed three people & I’ve only had sex with my ex as I am a firm believer in keeping that aspect for those relationships. This is all more than many may even want to know, but I feel it is a sense of pride for me.

I do not date because I believe there is someone out there that will bring out my best qualities, someone who I can support and watch proudly as they succeed. Someone I can be a partner to, take care of and love with all of my heart. I will not settle for anything less & I know the person who fits this will expect the most from me and love me as well.

But, I have not dated mostly because I am now insecure. Not only am I not able to trust someone without reassurance, I am also fearful that they will change on me once things get serious. Why can’t people just be themselves and give me who they are without playing with my heart? I just want to be with someone who is real with me & that I can give my heart to and not feel like I have to worry. That is what I give within a relationship. And, sometimes while I long for one to happen, I know the right person will be there for me. I trust in something beyond me has taken me on this journey to places I never dreamed I would be just so I can meet this person.

Where my life has been and where it is going are two very different paths. But, I know my experience has given me wisdom. I never want someone to go through what I went through.

I am a fighter. I have fought for my career, my friends, my lover & my life.

I am a supporter. I would much rather see my lover succeed than fail. I love to watch them at their passion and know that I can be proud just to be lucky enough to be there with them. I would never ask my love to sacrifice their dream for mine and that leads me to the next point.

I am a giver & a romantic, I love to do things for people, I leave the messages when they are missed & I work to make sure they know they are special. I will write poems for people, I will write blogs about them. But most of all, I give myself.

I am an intellect & use reason to think things through. I try hard to allow my thoughts to guide me, allowing my emotions to give me strength but I allow my intellect to observe and comprehend. I am extremely attracted to someone who is also highly intellectual, someone who spend much of their time seeking out information as I see this as something that I would love to have available. I seek knowledge, I long for it. My ex, I have realized, did not satisfy this within me & I think this may have created some tension within our marriage.

I am also weak. I am nothing without you.

I am fearful. But I give myself up knowing just how much you can hurt me. I have to be able to trust you or I will never learn to love again. I have to ignore my insecurities and realize that if love is meant to happen, I will not be able to stop it or fight it (and I mustn’t or I will lose my chance with happiness)

I am me. I am who I am, I may not be perfect, I may not be completely pure, but I work hard at it. I am able to see what I do not know & my greatest strength is realizing that I know nothing & I want to know.

So, is this person out there? I hope so. Are you in my life right now?

Related posts:

  1. Dating? How dare you use such language
  2. Cultural Observations from a College Professor
  3. Reflection on life
  4. will I be able to trust again
  5. Letting the mind wonder..

  • I often try to infuse light with dark, I feel it encompasses the emotions I feel much better because I am always looking for the silver lining in everything I do.
  • Wow! What an insight!

    I don't know if it was intended subtlety, but I love the fusion of something light with something much darker.

    Life is tough as it is, and you seem to have gone through a mini version of hell. The worst part is in the early stages when you have to life through it all, until you 'get over' it. From experience, you never do :)

    But the strength and insight that you get from it all will make your beliefs stronger. God willing, you will meet that person that you dream and crave for, and he WILL take care of you and keep you happy!

    Thanks for sharing, and I just got to know you a little more! :)
    .-= Cookie Monster´s last blog ..Starry eyed guest blogging…. =-.
  • PJ
    first i want to say that i was going to say almost exactly what your first commenter said, so i won't repeat that in this reply.

    this..."Not only am I not able to trust someone without reassurance, I am also fearful that they will change on me once things get serious. Why can’t people just be themselves and give me who they are without playing with my heart? I just want to be with someone who is real with me & that I can give my heart to and not feel like I have to worry. " ...is what i would like to comment on.

    you know that there are no guarantees in life and that people change. i know in a perfect and ideal world the person we choose to be with would be the exact same person that we fell in love with forever. but seriously, that isn't even logical. and would we truly want that. with that thought, how would you grow "together"? we, ourselves, change, so to expect others not too is not really fair, is it?

    i would like to believe that people, in general, are themselves and don't intentionally play with others emotions. things may just change for that person and how they feel. that is valid to them. by choosing to hang on to the feeling of being betrayed or hurt or angry or depressed or any of the not so good feelings, that gives the other person the power over you. but by recognizing those feelings and telling yourself that they are real and they are valid to you, you can then let them go and choose to feel the good feelings that you can give yourself.

    i am not getting this out very well, so i am going to stop now. (wish i was better at conveying what i want to say, sorry)xoxox
    .-= PJ´s last blog ..3 Things =-.
  • I think you were able to say what you were trying to say, don't worry :-)

    I know what you mean. People will change as they experience things and I know that I also change. I guess what I'm asking for is that the person I become friends with is the person I grow with. My ex & my other small attempt at a relationship, both changed so drastically that I was no longer part of their change. For example, my ex used to paint, loved to do artistic work but suddenly got married and stopped. It wasn't until this other person came back into the relationship did they start wishing they were painting again. I know I encouraged it and tried to do what I could to support it but even my support didn't help. It was as though my ex had gone into some depressive state on their own.

    I also know not every relationship I will have the person will suddenly change their sexuality or go deep into a religious experience. I hope that who I find is steady enough in those aspects that even if things affect them, I will be there to grow with them, not sit and watch as it happens.

    You make a good point on the idea that giving value to these ideas only allows someone to have power over me. That has been the biggest thing I have learned over the past 2 years and it has been the thing that has been most challenging about my experience. I have matured in this sense and I know I am much better in this area.

    I guess the only thing that stops me from even finding out any of this is the fact that I do not have someone at this moment to experience any of these joys and hardships with. I do know, when I find them, I trust them & even though I worry about my heart, I do not stop trusting. This is me, it always has been and I know it will be me.
  • Wow. I can tell you that the person you're looking for is out there and they're waiting for you too. It'll happen when it happens. Anything sooner, or before that, is the universe's way of bringing you to equilibrium. Aligning the stars, if you will.

    As a Muslim, we believe that everything happens for a reason, and that it happens, always, for the better. I think you're undergoing this time alone as a way to find yourself. You can't really have a relationship, unless you're firm in who you are as a person. It's fine that you want to be supportive of your partner, however, it's no good to you if that level of commitment and love is not reciprocated.

    Love is balance, it's tranquility. It's peace. It's not always going to be easy (true love never is, which reminds me of a Shakespearean quote), but it's ALWAYS hard when the other side is inattentive to your needs and feelings.

    You don't need to wait for someone to bring out your best qualities. I think I'm already witnessing that in your openness and sincerity.

    Actually, you and I are very similar...all I can tell you, in my opinion, the best is yet to come! :)

    Salaam!
    .-= By the Power of Truth!´s last blog ..Israeli Soldiers’ Testimony from Cast Lead, Gaza 2009 =-.
  • Thank you for the words of encouragement. I have always believed that the best is yet to come. We suffer through the lows of our life only so we know what it feels like to be low, this way we fully appreciate when we are in those high moments. I have always believed in the Love is balance aspect as well since love must be a two way street. For love to fully be lived, you cannot be a lover alone.
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