Sometimes thinking about my daughter makes me hopeful

I came home tonight & I was almost immediately depressed, like a wave of emotion overcame me. When I look back, I could kind of sense it was going to happen as I tried to avoid going out to dinner with my friends/students, but they got me to go, which is surprising especially in that emotional state when I normally just want to be alone or in the arms of a lover. One of my friends said it was likely because I am so exhausted. These past few days I have gotten very little sleep, worked way too hard and haven’t really talked to anyone. It’s been enjoyable but very lonely at the same time. And now that much of the work is over, I have no one to come home to share it with. I think she’s right that that part of my problem stems from exhaustion as I do tend to have moments of depression when I am tired, but I think it’s also because of how alone I feel sometimes. And I’m not just saying lack of friends, because I know I have them. Sure, I may not have as many really close friends as I might need or want, but I think part of that is my way to control how easily it is for me to get up and leave when the moment appears that I can run away from my current location. No, what I’m talking about is that every nagging feeling of aloneness within my heart. And, it’s not even that I desire to have someone right now or even someone to marry at any moment. I guess I just wish I had someone in those moments of my life when I need them the most. And, possibly even knowing that my future will not be alone forever. Will I be 30 and still feel this way? 40, I hope not, but I do think about that some. I want to be in love when I’m young, still young enough to have a kid and have enough energy to run after her when she is 5, to watch her grew up and discover that boys are cute, learning how to deal with her first crush not liking her. Seeing her off to college. I don’t want to be one of those 60 year old parents, but I’m afraid that I may end up there. Although, I did make a promise to myself that even if I’m still alone at age 30, once I am financially stable enough, I will find a way to have a child in my life, because even if someone doesn’t love me, I can at least love them.

Oh well, perhaps a good night sleep will make this feeling go away, or maybe not, I’m not sure yet. And yes, I blogged twice in one night after not blogging much the last 3 nights, I finally got a chance to sit down and think, though now I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not..

Just think of you, Serenity Faith, and perhaps my life will improve.

Related posts:

1. Just listening & thinking
2. My Dream..nightmare..
3. When pain threatens to overcome
4. Just stand it front of me and tell me it’s you
5. What is your biggest fear?