Thanks to you, I am still lost, but it is good.

During the day today, I came to the realization that I have enjoyed being single. Sure, I miss having the companionship, the physical touch. I miss having someone who shares my home, my life & my bed. I miss making love, having sex & enjoying the psychology of becoming one with someone.

But, what I have been learning is enough to make me be able to still enjoy life, despite missing some of life’s joys and pleasures. As much as I sometimes crave those aspects of life, I know they are not the only aspect of life that I should enjoy.

After being married young to my high school sweetheart, I did not get a lot of time to date and learn who I was & who I was looking for in a life partner. I thought I had already found that. But, since that was not meant to be, I am now to a point where life has allowed me a chance to study myself, to figure out who I am as a being. To study the thoughts of others to learn who I am looking for. To examine my life, my faith, my career to see if I’m on the right path to what I am desiring from this life.

I have learned a ton in the last 2 years, but much of my learning has happened over the past 6 months thanks to this blog & to finding such wonderful people on twitter. Some of the nicest people I have ever met are on there & they have shown me things within myself that most do not even know. I can be myself and people seem to enjoy my company.

My biggest challenge now is that I have reached a point where I must figure something out. As I have come to realize that there is a conflict between myself, the typical personality I am attracted to & my desire to maintain my personal faith. Since my faith is rooted in the idea that I have a strong belief that no other man can tell me who my god is or how to worship & give thanks to her. That no book has all of the answers to life’s challenges, even if they give a basis of morality that I already follow. I see the world through my own eyes & see what the world provides & I live a moral life. I do not drink, I avoid most meat products & I save my sexuality for the safety of love that is driving towards marriage. I believe I am a very moral being & do not do things I should not do for the safety of my body, my mind & my family. Do I challenge my own faith? I do not know.

Or can I find the same type of person within this world that does not reside within a faith I am not in so that my faith and theirs does not create a problem within our hearts, minds & families.

Maybe I just need to pose a question within myself. What plays larger in my life – my intellectual mind or my spiritual mind? A hard question indeed because they both have shaped my view of the world. I’m more inclined to let my intellectual mind take over, allow it to explore the faith but also know that it is not me who is unwilling to accept those outside of my faith as potential love. So, it is not me who needs to decide what is ultimately more important.

I know my love is out there, but where I do not know. My life is at another cross road within me & it is both exciting, confusing and fearful all at the same time, but it is much better than being depressed, alone & unhappy.

This is the lost I would rather be.

But I do shake my fist at all of those who have led me to this point and still say I love you all. Thank you for being my friend, for showing me who I am, for listening when I reach out. Thank you for your willingness to accept me. The world is a large place, but within my heart, you are all there by me as I walk out the door every morning.

I ::heart:: every single one of you. You bring a smile to my face when there are tears & a tear to my face when there is joy. And, I can say right now, my life is on the right path, I just don’t know where that path leads me, but at this moment, I am okay with that.

Related posts:

1. Lost between worlds, where do I fit in?
2. I’ve completely lost myself
3. I have lost weight, it feels good.
4. Evaluating Faith
5. Ever stop & think..what if my parents were Islamic? Hindu? Atheist?